IF I HAD HAIR LIKE THIS . . . THE WORLD REALLY COULDN'T HOLD ME. SERIOUSLY. HERE WE GO AGAIN - MY FRIENDS AND THEIR BEAUTIFUL KIDS. I DON'T THINK THEY REALIZE WHAT HIGH EXPECTATIONS ARISE FOR WHEN I HAVE MY OWN. OH, THE PRESSURE!! THIS MUST BE HOW J.LO FEELS SINCE SHE'S ALWAYS HANGING AROUND THAT ÜBERCUTE SURI.


IT HAPPENED DAYS AGO AND I WASN'T SURE. DIDN'T WANT TO OVERTHINK THINGS. I'VE NOW HAD TIME TO REALLY EVALUATE THE SITUATION WITHOUT JINXING ANTHING OR JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS . . . (CAN'T YOU HEAR THE DRUM GOING DUN-DUN-DAAAAH) I'M IN LOVE AGAIN. DOVE CREAM OIL BODY WASH. THE ULTRA RICH ONE IN THE PINKISH BOTTLE. AND DID YOU KNOW IT'S POUF, NOT POOF? YOU WASH WITH A POUF (READ IT ON THE BACK OF THE BOTTLE). I'M OFFICIALLY CHANGING ITS NAME TO POUF DADDY. YUM; LOVES IT. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M STILL ALL ABOUT MY QUATTRO (CHECKING FOR STUBBLE EVERY DAY IN HOPES THAT I'LL GET TO USE IT).


IT'S SUCH AN AWESOME FEELING WHEN I GET TO UPGRADE (GREAT, NOW I'M GONNA HAVE THAT STUPID BEYONCE UPGRADE SONG IN MY HEAD FOR THE NEXT FORTY-THREE MINUTES) MY INTRICATE LACEWORK OF BEAUTY PROCESS. I ALREADY WALK TO THE BEAT OF I'M TOO SEXY.


G.MA (MY WORK GRANDMA) JUST ROLLS HER EYES WHEN SOMEONE WALKS BY ME AND SAYS, "OOH, YOU SMELL SO GOOD. WHAT IS THAT?" I HAD HER ROLLING BECAUSE THE LIST IS SO LONG THAT IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE:

is it citrus? nooooo
is it coconut? noooooo
is it perfume-y? noooo, that's not it
brown sugar? uh uh
hmm, maybe it's the baby powder. (by now they're like, wow!! )

G HAD ME CRACKING UP TODAY. SHE TOLD ME THAT I'M WAY TOO SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ROUTINE THAT I'M SO PROUD OF (SHE INSISTS ON CALLING ME BEYONCE AND I HAVE TO CORRECT HER EVERY TIME THAT I MAKE A MUCH BETTER J.LO). SHE SAYS SHE CAN SEE ME FIFTEEN YEARS FROM NOW GOING, "I'M COMING, HONEY, I'M ONLY ON LAYER THIRTEEN".